As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home... She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
How do you get a blonde off of her knees? Cum.
A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert... After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"
"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"
The Indian replies...
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
There was a gay Countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelt Cunt with a K.
There was an old man of Connaught. Whose prick was remarkably short, When he got into bed The old woman said, "That's not a prick, it's a wart."
There was a young Coed of Kent, In matters of law eloquent. She told lawyers from Yale That her ass was for sale, But they proved it was only for rent.
A sperm, alack and forsooth Was at its moment of sexual truth It had hoped to fall On the womb's spongy wall But was dashed to its death on a tooth!
There was this girl from Boston, Mass. She wade into the sea and wet her ankles, it doesn't rhyme now, but just wait until the tide comes in
There once was a student named Clouse Who proclaimed to the boys of his house I will take a firm stand That a tit in the hand Is much better than two in the blouse.
There was this baker from South Carolina Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina The cakes she would glaze In an orgasmic haze
And her screams they would rattle the china.
In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery A port, a canal and a winery An to thrill you to bits All the girls have 10 tits That is if you count them in binary
There once was a lady from Decatur Who got laid by a large alligator. But nobody knew The result of that screw Because after he laid her, he ate her.
There once was a fella named Rick Who started to date this hot chick But brief was romance For tucked in her pants was a much larger dick.
There once was a man from Bombay Who fashioned a c*nt out of clay But the heat of his prick turned it into a brick And it chafed all his foreskin away.
There was a Scotsman named McFee, who got stung on his balls by a bee, he made tonnes of money, by producing lots of honey, every time he went for a pee.
On the Breast of a woman named Gale was tattooed the price of her tail and on her behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in braille.
There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?
A limerick from Cape Horn There once was a man from Cape Horn, who wished he never was born. And he wouldn't have been if his father had seen that the top of the rubber was torn.
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish." Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones." The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."
What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second? First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I didn’t make an enzyme last night.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Dad: "Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind." Son: "Dad I'm over here."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said “son, that’s three schools this year... ...maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
There once was a rabbi named Keith Who circumcised men with his teeth It was not for the leisure Or the sensual pleasure But to get at the cheese underneath.
There once was maid name of Olga, whoes resume read rather vulga the things she could do, from basement to flue, without ever letting go of ya