I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.