What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
"Lazy bones."
"No body won the skeleton race."
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
"Some people have no guts."
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I have a heart-on for you.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
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