A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
"Dying to have fun."
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
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