I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
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