I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
"Bugs and hisses."
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
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