My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I have a heart-on for you.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
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