What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
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