So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
"Some people have no guts."
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
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