What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
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