What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
"Bugs and hisses."
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Go to BabaMail
