Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
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