I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.