Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
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