What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.