What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum