What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!