Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!