What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!