What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.