My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.