What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.