Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.