I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.