How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.