Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.