Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.