What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!