What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.