I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!