Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.