How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.