My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!