My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.