I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.