If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.