Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.