Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.