My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.