What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.