What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass