A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.