Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.