What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.