Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
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