Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
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