I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
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