A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
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