Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
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