What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Do you find bone puns humerus?
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
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