Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
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