Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
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