Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
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