I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
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