My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
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