Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
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