Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
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