How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
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