I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
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